Five guys were on a plane...a kid, a preacher, a doctor, the captain, and a lawyer. The captain came on the P.A. system and says "Mayday, Mayday! We're going down and there is only four vests on the plane. You guys decide who's staying but I'm jumping now!!!" The doctor says "I've saved lives my whole life so I think that I should get one," so the doctor jumps. The lawyer says "I'm the smartest man in the world. I've solved over nine dozen cases so I'm jumpin' bye!" So the preacher goes up to the kid and says "I've lived a long and happy life and I know I'm going to heaven, so you take the last vest and go." The kid says "No, you grab this one and I'll grab the other one because the smartest man in the world just jumped with my book bag!!!!"
Story 2
There was a car full of nuns that were driving really slow. A police officer pulls them over and asked why they were going so slow. The head nun replies "Well, the sign over there says 23 and I was going 23 miles per hour." The officer says "No, thats the route number not the speed limit, you can go 55 miles per hour." The nun then says "Well that explains why the nuns were yelling at me earlier today." The officer asked why and the nun said "Well we just got off route 125!!"
Story 3
There once was a pirate who had a peg leg, a hook on his left hand, and a patch on his left eye. One day this pirate walked into a pub and sat down at the table beside a cabin boy. The cabin boy looks at him and said, "Hey mate, what happened to your leg, sir?" The pirate looked at him and said "AYE, I was leaning over to clean the side of me boat when I FELL into the water and a shark tore it off!" The cabin boy took a sip of his drink and looked back at the pirate's gleaming silver hook and said "Gee sir that sounds terrible, but what I would really like to know is what happened to yer hand?" The Pirate looked at him and looked back at his mug of ale and said," Aye, I was boarding another ship when some scaly landlubber cut it off with a razor sharp blade!"
Then the cabin boy looked at the pirates eye patch and asked, "Excuse me sir, but just one more question, what happened to your eye, I must know, oh please tell me?" The Pirate look kind of annoyed but answered anyway, he said, "It happened a long time ago when a seagull pooped in me eye and I tried to rub it out with me hook!"
Story 4
A frog walked into a bank to see the loan officer, Mr. Pattiwack. He said "Hi! My name is Kermit Jagger. I'm Mick Jagger's son, and I need a loan." So Mr. Pattiwack said "What do you have as collateral." Kermit said "I have a pink ceramic elephant." So Mr. Pattiwack walked into his boss's office and said "There is a frog out here named Kermit Jagger. All he has for collateral is a pink ceramic elephant and I don't know what that is!" So his boss said "It's a knick-knack Pattiwack give the frog a loan. His old man is a Rolling Stone."
Story 5
A chicken walks into a book store and says, "Book book book book book book." The person at the desk hands a book to the chicken and the chicken walks out. The next day the chicken walks into the book store again and says, "Book book book book book book." The person at the desk hands a book to the chicken and the chicken walks out. The same thing happens over and over and over through the week. The person at the desk starts to wonder what the chicken is doing with the books and he finally decides to follow the chicken next time. The next day the chicken walks into the store and says, "Book book book book book book." The guy behind the desk hands the chicken a book and the chicken walks out. The man follows the chicken into a forest with a long twisty path, after walking for a while the man comes to a pond and he sees the chicken and a frog. The chicken drops the book and says, "Book book book book book book." Then the frog says, "Read it, read it."
LONDON (AFP) - Police are hunting a blue-throated Amazon parrot called Chelsea who screeches when anyone mentions Manchester United, stolen from its owner's garden this week. ADVERTISEMENT
The family pet, which is tame and able to tell people its name, was taken from a home in the English Midlands on Tuesday night, apparently after having been bundled into a towel stolen from the washing line.
"I think it was stolen to order ... I don't think someone would just steal a parrot for a pet," its owner Richard Threadgold told AFP, confirming that the bird emits a "high-pitched screech" when Manchester United is mentioned.
"We are avid Chelsea fans, that's how he got the name, and my son used to taunt it by saying 'Manchester United' at it every time he went past the cage," leading it to develop the unusual reaction, he said.
The family bought the bird five years ago for 600 pounds, and is considering offering a reward if no progress is made in finding it within the next few days, he said.
Police confirmed in a statement that the bird had been stolen sometime overnight Tuesday, adding that the family's car had also been broken into.
Threadgold said he hopes Chelsea's football-related verbal quirk will help detectives identify the bird -- and dismissed any suggestion that the thieves stole it because of its team affiliation.
"I don't think they would pinch our parrot just because of its banter," he said.
